


The world works in scary and mysterious ways, theoretically, of course.

by Peachrot



Category: Half-Life
Genre: M/M, Mute Gordon Freeman, alcohol mention tw, au where black mesa didnt happen, barney is just a southern himbo as always, everyone is gay i don't make the rules, gay pining, gordon is just a big ol nerd, they're all just pals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24833035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachrot/pseuds/Peachrot
Summary: Working long hours at a practically abandoned DVD store is hard, especially when the guy you drunk made out with a week ago comes in to shop around. Cue Seinfeld laugh track and shenanigans. Also gay panic, tons of that.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman, Freehoun
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	The world works in scary and mysterious ways, theoretically, of course.

"Barney! Wake up!" 

Adrian shook barney awake, frantically trying to get his attention.

"huh, what…." 

Before Adrian could answer, the bell above the entrance began to jingle, making the empty DVD store suddenly spring to life. In walked a tall man in a slightly oversized MIT sweater and a look of curiosity painted on his face. He didn't even notice barney and Adrian, he just rushed in and began looking through the SciFi section, frantically. 

"What did you want Shep?" Barney whispered, his eyes still fighting to open up. 

"That guy, that's the guy! The one from the party! Ya know, scruffy nerd."

"Shhh, keep it down! You serious?" Barney couldn't make the man out, he was still a blur to him. He sat up, allowing himself to stretch before he took another good look at the guy in question. 

"No- you mean the guy from the party?"

"yep, that one."

"Which one? Which party- there's too many, man"

"Alyx's. It's the guy you-"

"drunk made out with….oh lord have mercy….." Barney slouched back down, letting his head hit the grimy old counter with a bonk. 

"Hey, you said he was a good kisser, I don't see the big deal," Adrian joked, clearly trying to lighten the mood. He was never too good at it. 

Barney rolled his eyes, straightening up and resting his head on his palms. He took a good look at the guy, being cautious that he could be spotted at any moment. The "drunk made out with" guy crouched down and began searching through the DVDs bottom to top, letting his eyes linger on a few titles. Barney tried to see what they were, but it was so hard with all that tiny print. 

"Should we help him?" Adrian asked. 

"uh….maybe if I hid under the counter."

Adrian sighed, adjusting his work shirt, and clearing his throat.

"hey! You need any help there?"

The man fell back, shaken by Adrian's sudden yelling. Adrian looked back at barney with a shit-eating grin. 

"fuck you" Barney whispered, slowly drowning himself in the collar of his shirt.

"C'mon man, he's cute and you're clearly on his list."

The man stood up and brushed himself off, adjusting his angular glasses. He turned to Barney and Adrian, his eyes growing wide upon taking a good look at Barney. 

_ shit shit shit shit… he's spotted me...no time to hide...fuck you Adrian. If you weren't such a good friend I'd have your head on a stick. _

"You seem to be looking for something, is there anything we can help you find?" Adrian asked, using his 'happy to help a customer' voice.

[A-S-L?] the man signed, looking directly at Adrian, his hands shaking slightly.

Adrian's eyes shifted to Barney, causing the man to also look at him- but quickly moved his eyes elsewhere, his face slightly flushed. 

_ Ah, I see how it is. You’re not going to face me? We're gonna play this game, aren't we? Well then, sure...let's dance. I’ll break you somehow. _

Adrian nodded, "I'm not that fluent, but my coworker here is, he's best fit to help you."

Adrian smiled at Barney, suddenly alarmed at the fact Barney was also smiling- or rather smirking.

"Hit me," Barney motioned for the man to begin.

Still avoiding eye contact with barney, he began, [I'm looking for stargate season 6.]

"Ah, yea...season 6. I'm pretty sure we have it. We have most of Stargate, except season 8. Season 8 is banished from ever setting foot in this store." 

[why?]

"Vala." 

The man pushed up his glasses, his eyes still avoiding Barney's general direction. [That makes sense, but you shouldn't let one character stop you from enjoying it.]

"hmmffp." Barney was playing his cards, and he had no intention of losing, "Alright, you've got a point. But Jar Jar Binks exists so...I'm not too sure."

[Jar Jar was a mistake, Lucas said it himself.] 

"Yea, but he still exists- makes me want to scream my head off."

Adrian nudged barney with his shoulder, and sent him a panicked look of "wtf are you doing". Barney ignored him and kept on going.

"I never finished the phantom menace, jar jar just made me want to vomit."

[His screen time isn't that long, Jesus.] The man's signing grew frustrated. He clearly knew what Barney was doing. 

[The phantom menace had its moments, if you watched the movie you'd know.]

"Oh no, I watched the phantom menace in the theater. I saw every minute of it. Jar Jar ruined it for me. Nearly fell asleep."

[But the Darth maul fight!?]

"Eh, not that fantastical. Its fucking star wars, gimmie more action, not all that pointless suspense for filling time." Barney didn't believe a word he was saying, in fact, it was quite difficult to spit it out without wanting to slap himself.  _ Keep going, you've almost cracked him. _

The man was really pissed now, he was trying to hide it but he obviously wasn't that good at it. [You know what? You're entitled to your own opinions, even if they're dumb.]

He looked Barney directly in the eye, his face twisted in a flurry of anger. [you win. You're lucky given our situation.]

_ Okay, Okay HE HAS QUITE PRETTY EYES…. _

[How did you know I was a phantom menace sympathizer?] The man signed in disbelief.

"Easy, you're looking for stargate, that would be right next to the star wars, and we're having a sale on phantom menace copies." 

[Nice try trying to seem smart, I was actually just looking for stargate. But it seems you found me out.] He adjusted himself and took a deep breath, his expression melting into something more casual. [I'm Gordon by the way, I guess I'm a little late to that.]

"Heh, it's fine, G-Gordon." 

_ SHIT SHIT SHIT HE'S ACTUALLY CUTE DID I REALLY MAKE OUT WITH HIM? NO WAY NO WAY THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE I ALWAYS DRUNK MAKE OUT WITH DOUCHEBAGS AT PARTIES. _

Barney could feel his face turn red. He made out with this guy? Drunk? Did intoxication actually lead him to be smart for once? So, he kissed...him...or did Gordon start it? What does that matter? He still made out with this guy he just had a battle of the nerds with. Barney looked up to see that Gordon was also blushing, his hands shaking with anxiety.  _ Lord, he's probably just as confused as I am, he's probably wondering how he made out with my dumbass. _

"Oh! I should probably show you where the stargate is…"

Barney made his way from out behind the counter, Adrian stopping him while Gordon was preoccupied, "Go get him, Barns" He whispered.

Barney patted Adrian's back in reassurance, "If I don’t melt into the floor first." Adrian smiled and nudged him to go on. 

He made his way over to Gordon, who began looking at the same DVD shelf again. Gordon let his finger linger over one title with Japanese and English text, probably something Alyx knows. He turned back around to face barney, [Sorry, I got distracted.]

"By what?"

Gordon's expression turned into one of panic, his eyes shifting back to the DVD rack. Whatever it was, he was definitely embarrassed about it, better not push him to spit it out.

"Oh nevermind- c'mon, it's over here."

Gordon nodded, his body relaxing.  _ Jesus, this man is just a ball of anxiety- why do I find that hot?  _ Barney led him to a shelf decorated with shiny paper stars and a giant sign reading 'THE PLEIADES.'

Gordon adjusted his glasses again, examining the poster, [I see what you did there]

"That was Adrian, he thinks he's clever." Barney looked back to the counter, checking on Adrian. He was too occupied in doodling on a napkin to even notice.  _ He thinks your dumb joke was clever and the one time you're not paying attention...oh come on. _

[The Pleiades is fascinating, it's overrated though.]

Barney got lost on Gordon's fingerspelling, causing him to forget to pay attention to the whole sentence.  _ The plates?? What about plates?? We have collector plates, does he want one of those?? _

"Ya….like plates?" Barney spat out.  _ SHIT SHIT SHIT WHY DID YOU DO THAT WHYYY??? _

Gordon looked at him in total confusion. It took him a second to process what Barney was asking him, [why? We're looking for stargate not plates.]

Barney looked back to Adrian, desperately praying that he would suddenly decide to pay attention. Adrian was still doodling on a grungy subway napkin in his own little world. Barney cleared his throat, attempting to get his attention.

Adrian didn't take his eyes off the napkin. "Barney, drink some damn water," he mumbled, replacing his napkin with a clean one.

Barney wanted so badly to scream at his coworker, but alas, this was his battle anyways. Just him, Gordon, and the vile and awkward air that surrounded them, and he wasn't planning to let Gordon leave without a copy of Stargate season 6 and his own cell number.  _ Alright, recovery...try to make an excuse for the plate thing….there are the collector plates I guess...nobody is into those though. _

"Like- collector plates. We have some star trek ones in the backroom. If you want to take a look."

Gordon's face lit up, [Say that again.]

"We have star trek collector plat-"

[next gen, original, deep space nine or voyager?] He frantically signed, interrupting barney's sentence. 

"Oh uh...one or two of each pretty much- we have the most deep space nine at the moment." Barney suddenly got excited,  _ he knows star trek he knows star trekkk!!! HE'S SUCH A HUGE NERD HE GOT SO FUCKING PUMPED JUST BY ME ASKING ABOUT COLLECTOR PLATES! _ He restrained himself from letting his hands flap around in excitement, instead, putting all of his pumped-up energy into fiddling with his hands. 

[I assume that's the case since Ds9 isn't as popular because people don't understand how to properly handle relatable socio-political allegories.] 

_ I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about with these "socio-politics" but DAMN HE IS REALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS. Oh my fucking god- imagine WATCHING deep space nine with him! OR ANYTHING FOR THAT MATTER. THIS FUCKING NERD WOULD BASICALLY BE A WHOLE CAST COMMENTARY, HE'S PERFECT. Us….on the couch..oh damn...SHUT UP GAYASS. I wonder how his hair looks down….okay focus. God, I don't even know if he's into dudes. Yeah, I drunk made out with him but, we still don't know who started it. Fuck, if he's straight and I drunk made out with him...I'd be in deep shit. Time to dig deeper I guess. _

"Oh yeah for sure, deep space nine was just shit on because people are cowards. They should have more political issues in Voyager."  _ Did I do it? Did I speak on his level…? Hell if I know, I only really liked ds9 for the action and the cute twink doctor.  _

Gordon lit up and nodded excitedly. [Show the plates to me please.]

"Alrighty then, right this way. Watch your step." Barney led Gordon to a backroom, only being concealed from the public with a thin bead curtain. 

"Okay give me ONE second." Barney walked in, surveying the backroom. A woman in a floral dress was sitting at a card table, reading some sort of fantasy novel. 

"Gina!" Barney whispered, getting her attention.

"What?" She asked, not lifting her eyes off the book.

"Shh, keep it down. I'm bringing a guy in, don’t you fucking dare try to embarrass me like last time."

"Oh, is it the guy you drunk made out with at that Vance girl's party?" 

"How did you know about- did Adrian tell you? I'm gonna fucking get his ass.."

Gina shut her book and looked up at Barney. "Look, Calhoun, I've learned my lesson. If he asks me anything I'll tell him how good you are at standing at the counter and sleeping. Now please let me continue reading, I can't let Collette spoil this chapter for me when she comes back on her shift." 

“Thanks,” Barney stepped back outside and motioned Gordon in, trying not to hit him with the bead curtain. 

The room was full of stacks and stacks of old looking merchandise and DVDs, give or take a few grimy TVs. It was definitely a backroom of a DVD store in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico. The only thing making the room stand out, of course, was a brightly lit wall covered with collector star trek plates. A table accompanied it, displaying even more collector plates, surrounded with candles like a shrine you’d see at a church. The plates sparkled in the light, each one seeming as if they were never meant to be seen by mortal eyes. If anyone walked in and saw this display, with a remotely ‘normal’ brain, they’d probably call the local pigs to make sure the employees hadn’t started a cult. Gordon was not one of those people, he practically fainted. 

Gordon grabbed Barney’s shoulder and turned him to face him, [Are you a fucking angel?.]

_ NO, BUT YOU ARE OH, MY LORD!!! HOLY SHIT HE IS HOLDING MY SHOULDER UHHHUHHHHH AAAHHAHAAHAH WHAT IS HAPPENING???? _

Barney stammered, trying to recollect his thoughts as Gordon kept holding onto him, [Why have I never shopped here?] he signed, his face in disbelief.

Gordon let go, leaving Barney in a puddle on the floor, Gina silently giggling at him. Barney flipped her off and followed Gordon over to the plates, taking a silent deep breath to recollect himself.  _ You’re just getting to know him, don’t get ahead of yourself. _

Gordon stared at the display, the reflection of the shiny plates in his glasses. He was examining everything as if he was looking at ancient texts, his brow furrowed. Barney watched him, trying to keep a respectable distance, but just enough to where he could try and make out what specifically sparked Gordon’s interest.

_ Okay, let’s not be too obvious here...gotta see if he’s gay for any of the characters...that’s my best bet for the time being.  _

“See one that tickles your fancy?”

_ ‘Tickles your fancy’ why do I say that...where did I pick that up from...god, southernness can be sexy but not when you say ‘tickles your fancy’.....Jesus... _

Gordon jumped, forgetting Barney was watching him. He strained his glasses and turned to face toward Barney. [The Geordi one, under the bird of prey.]

_ JACKPOT.  _

“Is he your favorite or somethin’?”

Gordon nodded, [Probably my favorite out of the TNG cast, he’s cool]

_ Okay, time to go in for the shot. _

“Did ya know that they originally wanted to make Geordi gay? I think they should’ve, it would’ve been quite a step.”

_ Okay, that could’ve been smoother….its been awhile don’t be so hard on yourself. _

Gordon raised his eyebrows, [Really? Or are you trying to get into my head again?]

“No I’m serious, and why would I be trying to get into your head?” Gordon was onto him, there was no way of reversing that.  _ Shit, he’s good, either that or I’m just way too obvious. _

[fine, I’m Bisexual. You could’ve just asked, Barney. There’s no room for pleasantries, we already made out whether you like it or not.] He frowned, looking sternly at Barney. 

“I liked it quite a bit for your information!” Barney snapped, slowly realizing what he just admitted, turning a deep red.

Gordon made a small gasp and began to fiddle with his sweater, flushed and clearly overwhelmed. 

“Oh- oh fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell….just...fuck,” He tried to collect his thoughts, but so much was happening at once. He took a deep breath, “Okay, how did you know my name? And-and you just don’t ask a dude if they’re straight or not! Haven’t you heard of common courtesy? And since you want to be so honest, then do you actually like me back?? Do we know who started the kiss in the first place? SORRY AHHHHAHA I’M ANGRY.” Barney plopped down on a chair behind him and started to fiddle with his hair, “I’m sorry I- I must’ve not taken my meds….”

Gordon still stood there in shock, he looked around nervously, not knowing exactly what to do. Barney was trying his best to fight the tears, but seeing how disheveled he made Gordon just made it worse.  _ Goddamn it- now I’m being a baby….just...why is this so difficult? I just want to ask him out, I guess. Now I’ve yelled at him, great. He’s obviously upset, and it’s all my fault.  _ He buried his face into his hands. 

Gordon shakily grabbed a chair across from Barney and sat down. He tapped on Barney’s shoulder and frowned, [I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one not being straight forward.]

“N-no, I was the one not being straight forward, this is all my fault. I-I thought I could impress you I guess.” 

Gordon leaned forward, swallowing a lump in his throat, [I started the kiss…] He slowly signed.

“You did? I could’ve sworn I did…”

Gordon shook his head, [I was drunk too, and you started flirting. I was drunk, dumb, and just got over a breakup...I shouldn’t have done it, but you were being really cute. I’m sorry, this is my fault.] He took a deep breath and scrunched up his hands, then relaxing them. [I’ve been wanting to talk with you for a long time, I always saw you over at the convenience store downtown and never got the courage to say hi. You seemed cool, and you’re very pretty. Alyx invited me to the party and I only decided to go since she said you’d be there. What I’m trying to say is that I have a huge crush on you. This is embarrassing, sorry you probably didn’t catch all that.] 

“Oh no- you’re fine, I got most of it….you like me? I mean you just told me you did-” He chuckles nervously, “but, don’t feel bad about the kiss...we were both drunk, god knows I for sure had a part in it...been feelin’ very lonely lately. A-and I like you too! You’re very fun to talk with- even if I did sneak around a bit...really sorry about that.” 

Gordon smiled, and let out a sigh of relief, [It’s fine, I kinda figured you were nervous…but, I’m glad you like me back...I thought I was going crazy.]

_ Okay okay….ask him...ask himmmm! _

“Hey, uh….there’s that Dairy Queen downtown...you available tomorrow? 7:30?”

[of course! Let’s agree with no alcohol afterward.]

Barney chuckled and got up from his chair, scouring for a pen and paper. “Gimmie a second...I’ll give you my number…”

He finally found an old dying pen and a receipt, he scribbled down his number and passed it to Gordon. “Just text me and I’ll get your number, if you need a ride or need to cancel just give me a call, I’m usually available. Oh! And I’ll give you my Angelfire site.”

[You have an Angelfire site? What for?]

“Oh it’s my cryptology blog, I’ve had it for about 3 years, since 97’ ya know, I’m surprised people still submit their findings to me.” 

[I’ve never had to courage to make one, it’s the new millennium, I should. Well anyway, I should get going...I’ve left crickets in the car]

“Why do you have crickets in your car??? How did they get in there??”

[They’re in a container!] Gordon laughed, watching Barney’s confused expression slowly realize what he was talking about. [They’re for my bearded dragon.]

“YOU HAVE A LIZARD WHAT IS TH- Oh! Sorry, there’s no time for that, you gotta go home! I’ll reserve that Stargate copy for ya!”

Gordon awkwardly patted Barney on the shoulder and dashed off, leaving Barney alone with Gina.

“That was quite gay.” She snorted, “You’re a disaster Calhoun.”

“Shut up, you’re getting married to Colette in the summer. And I still got him, right?”

“Well you almost made him cry, but you got him.” She said, smirking, “You didn’t have to get drunk this time, Adrian owes me 50.”

“ADRIAN!!!” Barney yelled, making his way to the counter. “You’re dead Sheppard.”

“Have fun on your date Barns, my shift is over.” Adrian gathered his things and bolted out the door.

"I'LL GET BACK AT YOU MARK MY WORDS!!"

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Will I make this a full au? If yall want. It's practically just "everyone is friends and around the same age and black mesa never happened."


End file.
